It has been a most mild winter here in Portland this year, and signs of spring abound. From plum and magnolia trees in full bloom, to tiny buds appearing on maple and dogwood trees, it is my favorite season. As usual, I wander about like a toddler, enamored of every tiny sign of growth and every spot of color. Here is a glimpse in my garden, it is a joy to see it in spring for the first time.
I find this quote so applicable to my energy in winter and spring. Do you?
I learned over the weekend that February is the normal time for plum trees to bloom here, so I am now enjoying their beauty instead of worrying about why they are blooming "early." I snapped these pretty blossoms on a walk this morning, it was quite cold but sunny as could be. I hope this palette inspires you, no matter where you live, especially if you are still knee-deep in snow.
Valentine's Day is imminent. I have much love in my heart for my sweet husband and my beautiful son, plus all of our fur babies even if I haven't decorated, crafted or baked a thing for them. I've been pinning lots of Valentine's Day treats, and some crafts, but I guess this Valentine's Day board is my ode to sugar. You see, I also love the taste of sugar (which I quit in October, minus some very dark chocolate). So this holiday is a bit torturous, like they are all turning out to be. I never realized what a big part sugar was in my holidays.
darling chocolate matchbox pretzels from Good Housekeeping
Ombré Heart Cookies from Sugar Hero
Valentine Dog Treats from the Etsy Blog
There are many more pretty, sweet and even some last-minute ideas over on Pinterest for you, all curated by me.
And oh my dear sweet sugar, I know you are evil for my body but I do love you.
“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.” ― Pablo Neruda
Surprise! I made you a video. :) https://vimeo.com/118521452
I am on a healing journey. I have been tuning inwards more and more as I work to heal myself. I soak up wisdom about intuition. I have learned I can now clearly hear my intuition (unlike before) and now it's time to act on it. Days before Christmas, I could see the lymphoma activating again, where it had been quiet since October's biopsy. Discouragement was quickly replaced by disappointment and then, a decision to trust my intuition which was guiding me towards alternative and holistic cancer treatments.
I'm no longer angry at lymphoma or at war or in a battle with my body. I am working with my body. I now view lymphoma as a symptom of an imbalanced system. I truly believe that I have the power to heal myself and that my mind, my body and my spirit know exactly what to do. It is my job to give my body the support it needs to do its job.
So I have now assembled a holistic team to work on helping my body do what it needs to deal with the lymphoma, On Team Jess: Dr. Dave, a naturopathic oncologist, Dr. Rebecca, my regular naturopath for the past 9 months, Elie, a gifted acupuncturist I have been seeing since September, Mary, a specialist in psychoneuroimmunology, Dr. Serena, who specializes in NET. I also have a traditional oncologist, Dr. M, on the team who passed my bedside manner test and is in charge of my PET scans. I started an aggressive protocol with Dr. Dave yesterday, the next 9 weeks will fill my days with supplements, mind/body work, and daily exercise. I am patiently waiting to bring on a functional nutritionist to work on my long-term nutritional healing plan to correct what is probably a lifelong imbalance in my system.
I chose a word for the year very carefully after last year's unintended manifestations. JOY. In all of my reading about the emotional and psychological causes of cancer, distress and lack of joy were common themes. I have had to revisit my childhood and young adulthood these past months, and do some healing work around the traumas I experienced. It's hard work but it's worth it. I am making great progress in opening my heart to myself and allowing my sadnesses to flow through me instead of holding them back in a tight well as I have for many years. I now invite joy into my day every day. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I set an intention and entered a giveaway for Flora Bowley's Brave Intuitive Painting e-course. I won one of the five spots! Painting brings me such deep joy and to start my year in Flora's magical and capable hands while I am doing my protocol is a certain kind of alchemy.
I am finding that some people have quite a bit of fear around the idea of not choosing conventional treatments for cancer. I certainly had my fears and I am doing the hard work to release them. I have only pursued conventional treatments up until now. It has been nine years since I needed treatment and I am a different person now. I want to try something different. Plus, I know that my intuition leads me to making good decisions and ignoring my intuition has led to making bad decisions in the past. So I take one step at a time. I listen to my heart and my inner voice. I lean on my team. I take daily actions to live as long and as healthy as I can. Misao Okawa is my new hero, her advice is to eat well and get a lot of sleep. Okay then Misao! I'm on it.
Photo credit: Reuters/Kyodo
I am making radical lifestyle changes. First it was my diet in October and now it will be daily exercise and joy. I am releasing work for right now. I am my work. I am my full-time job.
I am on a healing journey. Yes, yes I am.
Jessica Swift has received copies of the UK and US versions of her book that I photographed from the publishers, which she shared on her blog yesterday. It was a dream to work with her on her book and I'm looking forward to seeing it in person.
photo by Jessica Swift, UK cover below, US cover on top
Here are the three images that appear on the US cover of the book, which is available for pre-order on Amazon right now:
Jessica's colorful world and positive, can-do, attitude made photographing her book the highlight of my photography career to date. I'm thrilled for her book to come out and I'm truly honored that she chose me for this important job. We photographed the entire book over several shoots earlier this year at a studio in Southeast Portland, with a quirky and heavy freight elevator to boot. You can see all our behind-the-scenes photos on Instagram using the hashtag #jessplusjessmagic.
This time of year is truly a visual feast for the eyes, and I appreciate the eye candy even more since I quit eating sugar almost 11 weeks ago. There is more of this colorful joyousness daily on Instagram: @sweeteventide.
I'm thrilled to offer my 2015 photo calendar to you! It comes with the cutest magnetic clipboard you guys. Put it on your fridge, or for you DIYers, pop it on your magnetic chalkboard wall because I know you have one of those somewhere. :)
Order by 12/15 for Christmas gifts or anytime for year round deliciousness.
Instead of continually NOT posting because I have so much to say and no idea where to begin, and inspired by Tiffany Han's podcast about just starting, I'm here. I'm starting. Again.
I'm simply going to say that I am in extreme learning mode since my relapse. I'm learning how to eat way healthier than I have ever eaten before. This takes a lot of time! I'm new to it and I'm not efficient yet. I'm learning how to let my heart lead the way instead of letting my mind be in charge all the time. This takes a lot of courage! I'm learning how to fit my work into all of this and it's not easy. It is not coming effortlessly or naturally. I have had a lot of upheaval in 2014, starting in May when we began our house hunting process. Work has been pushed largely to the back burner these past few months. I'm trying to be patient with myself and not compare how my business is (or is not) positioned for holiday sales this year. It's hard though. I do have a pretty calendar for 2015 ready for your gifting needs! I am proud of it and that I made it happen.
When I found out about my relapse, after I moved through the grief and shock, I wondered on an energetic level why cancer would return to my life after such a long remission. I asked a trusted friend for guidance and she asked me what untold stories I had inside. I knew right away that the biggest untold story in my life is about my relationship with my mom, who has been absent from my life since I was very young. It is time to share the story. After my friend asked me that question, I decided with utter confidence to contact my mom at the last known email address that I had for her to find out once and for all the real story of how and why she left me. I told her there was nothing she could say that would scare me. My mom's husband replied quickly to my email and said my questions were a shock but that a letter would arrive soon. I was deeply happy to know the email address was valid and the communication process had begun. I felt like a little girl as I checked my mailbox every day. The letter arrived and my mom explained everything to me with sincere and plain honesty. It was a very sad story and I finally learned that she always did love me and that not raising me and being estranged from me broke her spirit in terrible ways for most of her life. At the end of her letter, she asked if I thought I would ever come to a place of forgiveness. Instantly, I emailed to tell her that I completely forgave her. It was the lightest, easiest and most free decision for me to make. It was an utter relief to know the truth finally and I knew it was time for both of us to heal.
Shortly afterwards, on November 6th (a full moon), I met with a shaman for energy healing work to restore the buried and hurt parts of me from losing my mom as a young girl. When I was originally diagnosed with lymphoma, my intuition at that time that told me there was a connection between that parent/child relationship and my health. I worked with a hypnotherapist and healed my relationship with my father, from whom I had been estranged for a year before he died. I trusted myself this time too (see step 6 here) and I knew it was time to heal my other parent/child relationship in order to release all this deep, emotional pain that had been stored in my body for my entire life.
My work with the shaman actually ended up centering largely on how my mind works tirelessly to keep my heart safe from pain and this has actually enabled me to survive many things. However, my brain needs to work with my heart and soul now. We came up with a plan for me to claim space for my heart and my emotions so they don't get brushed aside where they can do me harm. My biggest fear going in to the meeting was that I would cry in front of her. I can cry fairly easily when frustrated but it's very difficult for me to release tears of deep sadness. Guess what? I started weeping at the door while she was smudging me. It was the start to a vulnerable, powerful and very emotional journey.
After I left Nissa's house, the beautiful shaman, I took a lot of time to get home. I stopped in the St. Johns neighborhood, a place I've driven by and through many times but never stopped. I followed my heart to a boutique, a vintage shop and an awesome camera shop. When I got home, there was an email from my mom with this photo that she had kept all this time. I had never seen it before. It is the sweetest gift.
I never expected to find myself in this place where I am now. It's a peaceful place of curiosity. My mom and I are continuing to exchange letters and emails. All the anger of my childhood and indifference in my adulthood towards my mom has evaporated. I'm getting to know her now, at the age of 44. It's remarkable.
It has taken me 40 years to find the courage to ask my mom how she could leave me and a month to find the courage to share our story. Vulnerability is hard work but I'm learning time and time again that it's worth it. My name is Jess and I'm not a motherless daughter anymore.
my current stack of books
I have been in remission from lymphoma since 2009. In 2011, I discovered a lump in my abdomen. Many doctors felt it, looked at it and told me confidently that it was a benign lipoma. This summer, the “lipoma” changed in size and shape and on September 25th, I found out it was actually lymphoma again. My world fell upside down with this news, especially coming less than a month after my husband’s dramatic bmx accident (which happened only a few weeks after we moved into our newly purchased house). I chose the word WILD for my word of the year so, I will be more careful about what word I choose next year.
Here are my 10 Tips for Dealing with a Cancer Relapse
1. When you find out the bad news, let the emotions flow fast and furious. Fall to your knees in grief. Ask why and have that pity party. Cry until you can’t anymore. Lean hard on your inner circle. Hold hands with your loved ones, squeeze their hands. Take your shoes off outside and feel the earth literally under your feet because right now, you feel like it was ripped from you. Go fully to the dark places, just do not stay there for more than two weeks.
2. Find a mantra and say it endlessly. I have two: 1) Right action is taking place right now and 2) Every day in every way, I’m getting better and better. Ask everyone you know to say them with you and for you.
3. Identify your core purpose in life. Write it down. Hang it up where you can see it every day. Read it out loud to yourself as often as possible.
4. Delegate things immediately. You are overwhelmed with the loss of your health after you worked hard to regain it and thought you had secured it. This is a blow. This is not a time for you to do it all. Let people take over your volunteer commitments. Let people make you dinner. Let people take your kids for a playdate and bring them home from school. Let people do your grocery shopping and water your plants.
5. Remember the wisdom you gained when you dealt with cancer in the past. For example, you can and MUST fire any doctor who does not ooze positivity, optimism and encouragement in your presence. Your doctors should, and I use that word rarely, first and foremost remind you that you are going to be okay. Then they can talk details. If your doctor is panicking, you do not have to follow suit. Breathe. If you have to stand barefoot on the grass all day and breathe till you feel better, do it. Then get a second opinion no matter what. Remember, these are all opinions and points of view. You don’t have to make a decision about what to do or how to proceed the day you get an opinion. Write yourself the following note: “This is an opinion. This is not a decision.” Hold your note in your hands during medical appointments. Look at it frequently. Let the tape recorder remember everything. If the opinion is negative, trash the recording.
6. Tune in to your mind, body and spirit. Remember in step one how you asked why your cancer came back? You got your huge, scary emotions out and possibly fired doctors so that your intuition can now guide you to the answers you need to hear. Do the work that you have identified that you need to do.
7. Be open minded. Try acupuncture. Try holding a crystal in your pocket or putting one under your pillow at night. (I recommend black tourmaline and smoky quartz). Try smudging. Try guided meditations. Try reading about non-Western cancer therapies. Try learning about alkaline vs acidic foods. Try quitting sugar. Try putting lavender essential oil on your wrists whenever you start feeling upset, and especially at bedtime. Try dry brushing. Try oil pulling. Try reading books about how your body is designed to work and what you can do to help it succeed.
8. For parents, be honest with your kids. Honesty means saying things like, “I found out there are some bad things happening in my body and I’m sad about that. I’m gathering information. I will decide what to do about it soon. There are also awesome things happening in my body. Meanwhile, I love you. Can I have a hug?” (Did you know we need 12 hugs a day for optimal health?) Set a tone of positivity without ignoring that a health crisis is stressful and causes sadness. Use age appropriate language of course.
9. Find something beautiful around you every single day. There is still magic all around you. You need to see it more than ever.
10. Trust yourself implicitly, even if it causes conflict with medical professionals. No one cares about you more than you.
I have to be honest, after a long remission I was out of practice for dealing with the cancer world. I have used every single one of these tips in the past 26 days. The knowledge that my staging PET scan was all clear except for the known abdominal mass has deeply bolstered my strength. I asserted my rights as a patient and insisted on a full surgical biopsy of the mass, which was successfully removed two weeks ago today. I am traveling for a second opinion at Stanford this week. I have been treated there in the past.
selfie taken 10 minutes after arriving home from surgery,
feeling awesome to have that #*%! out of my body!
I am healing from the inside out, I quit sugar on October 2nd and I feel fantastic and healthy. I feel grounded with the earth beneath my feet. My heart is more full of love and gratitude than ever. I have more work to do, I know, but I am on my way. I affirm to myself every day that my body is capable of miracles, as evidenced by my last relapse, also in one location only and which went away “spontaneously” which I now recognize as my body doing what it was designed to do.
I have a big story to tell, that I identified after using tip #6. Stay tuned.
I'm really looking forward to Alt for Everyone which begins today. I signed up on a whim and after 8 years of blogging, my goal for attending is to bring back my joy of blogging. I enjoy blogging but let's be honest, after 8 years, some new inspiration is definitely in order. I love taking classes, learning new things and meeting new people too. It is easier for introverts (holla!) to do this online sometimes, but a small in-person workshop is something I also really enjoy participating in.
Hello there! My site is long overdue for some behind-the-scenes maintenance. So please bear with me while we work hard to give the site a tune up. If you need to reach me, feel free to email me at jessica @ sweeteventide dot com or check in with me on Instagram.
All summer, we did not get to go camping as we usually do. We did not even make it to the beach one time. Buying a house and moving is quite disruptive to normal routines and ours consumed an entire season. The coast, however, is my happy place. No, it is more than happy. It is my blissful place. My boys and I made it to the coast on Sunday at long last.
The soft sand beneath our feet grounds us. The salty air cleanses us. The ocean breeze rustling the coastal spruce trees is our soundtrack. The dramatic clouds rolling onshore at the end of the day is our slide show. Breathe with me.
This blog post is a part of the ’20 Things You Might Not Know About Me’ Blog Tag started by April from Blacksburg Belle. She began this blog tag experiment to build community among creatives, help us bloggers to connect more and get to know each other better. This month’s topic is all about sharing just a little too much information about yourself. If you’d like to participate or want more info, check out the beginning post right here. I was tagged by Jessica Swift.
Photo taken on September 13, 2014: my 44th birthday
Question 1: How tall are you?
I am 5’1” — that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Question 2: Do you have a hidden talent? If so, what?
I can go from lasso to my waist and back to lasso with my hula hoop.
Question 3: What’s your biggest blog-related pet peeve?
When bloggers with large audiences do not respond to multiple attempts by readers to interact on social media. I understand they may not see a question or comment on one try but over and over, if they don’t respond it makes me wonder where the social part of the media lives. I have unfollowed many a person over this issue.
Question 4: What’s your biggest non-blog related pet peeve?
When people honk at you the nano second a stoplight turns green. Chill out people. Honking is for emergencies.
Question 5: What’s your favorite song?
This is impossible. How about songs that instantly remind of me of certain eras of my life? Childhood: Chuck E’s in Love, all Bob Dylan and Simon & Garfunkel songs. Middle school: Total Eclipse of the Heart. High school: it was the 80s, need I say more? College: everything from Luther Vandross, Paula Abdul and Babyface to Tracy Chapman, Jewel, Hootie and the Blowfish to Train, hey it took me a long time to get my degree. Marrying Jeff and rocking our newborn baby to sleep: Sade, Lovers Rock. And then in the past few years, I still just can’t get enough of Lisa Mitchell. Here is her audition for Australian Idol, here is one of my favorite performances and my favorite official video.
Question 6: What’s your favorite Etsy shop that isn’t yours?
Regina’s shop Oh Albatross is beautiful beyond words and her Instagram is gorgeous too.
Question 7: What’s your favorite way to spend your free time when you’re alone?
Painting sometimes. Going for a little walk with my camera. Toodling around my neighborhood or my house. Honestly, when I’m alone at home, I sometimes simply like to sit still.
Question 8: What’s your favorite junk food?
For salty, I love chips. For sweet, I love this Theo chocolate bar.
Question 9: Do you have a pet or pets? If so, what kind and what are their names?
We now have four pets: a a golden retriever/yellow lab mix named Jackson; a bearded dragon named Argus; and two newly adopted little tabby kittehs named Walnut and Chestnut. All boys! I'm surrounded by boy energy 24/7!
Question 10: What are your number one favorite nonfiction and fiction books?
Favorite recent non-fiction book is Brave Intuitive Painting by Flora Bowley and favorite fiction book is so hard because I have an English degree but The Awakening by Kate Chopin was influential in my 20s. I love Pezzettino by Leo Lionni. There are too many books that I love. I prefer to read non-fiction since college.
Question 11: What’s your favorite beauty product?
I love this Evan Healey rose tonic. It is so refreshing. I used to chase my family and friends around offering to refresh them with it.
Question 12: When were you last embarrassed? What happened?
I was embarrassed last month actually when I took my husband’s grandma to the store to do some shopping. I was reviewing her shopping list in the parking lot and she uses abbreviations like “H Lotion” (for hand lotion) and "P Towels" (for paper towels). It wasn’t until I said loudly, “What are P Liners Grandma?” that I realized obviously what it was. OMG. Poor grandma. We had a good, hearty laugh about it though.
Question 13: If you could only drink one beverage (besides water) for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Liquid Sunshine from Kure Juice Bar.
Question 14: What’s your favorite movie?
Il Postino, especially the soundtrack!
Question 15: What were you in high school: prom queen, nerd, cheerleader, jock, valedictorian, band geek, loner, artist, prep?
I was none of these things. I was the naive one endlessly trying to figure things out.
Question 16: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
Italy.
Question 17: PC or Mac?
Mac.
Question 18: Last romantic gesture from a crush, date, boy/girlfriend, spouse?
My husband gave me a greeting card with a kitten on it during the chaos of packing for our move. It said to hang in there. My husband knew I wanted to get kittens once we moved and I did get them the very next day!
Question 19: Favorite celebrity?
Well Ellen always cheers me up but I don't have cable tv so I rarely get to see her show.
Question 20: What blogger do you secretly want to be best friends with?
James of Bleubird. I am inspired by her mothering a teen, a tween and two adorable littles while running a successful business.
Okay so I know this got started almost a month ago but I'll still tag a couple of people for fun.
1. Jessica of Sunday Peaches.
2. Megan Roop
If you want to join in, just use the hashtag #20ThingsBlogTag in your post, on FB, and on twitter, so they can be found.
On the eve of my 44th birthday, here is my morning view.
{treasures from my visit to the forest yesterday}
The past month has been a wild rollercoaster. Did I mention that I don't like rollercoasters?
Two weeks ago today, my husband had a major fall on his bmx bike. I was on my way to get ice cream with my mother-in-law when I received a text from a stranger at the bmx park that I needed to come right away. To sum up the situation shortly, not my specialty but I want to try to be brief, he fell 12' and took the brunt of the fall on his face. So he broke his nose, jaw and some teeth, but needed zero surgeries. He also broke his hand and no surgery needed there either. Everything is feeling a lot better except his teeth, but his next dental appointment is on Monday so hopefully he'll start getting some relief. They had to let his mouth heal a bit before they started repairs.
One week ago, I went to see my oncologist to have him check out a lipoma I have had in my abdomen for over three years. It has been stable all this time but over the summer, it got bigger and felt different. So he wanted me to have a CT scan which I had Tuesday. Another long story short, the radiologist felt I was relapsing with my lymphoma and I read that before speaking to my oncologist, who actually disagrees. I do need to have it biopsied, so we won't know exactly what it is until that happens. It was a really big scare to see the CT scan report.
I put a lot of unpacking on hold while all this was going on, but that is what helps me feel centered and settled. So I hung some art yesterday and today, some large items are being picked up that freed up space on our basement. All of these unexpected issues have taught me again that old adage, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.
All I want for my birthday is to go to the Oregon coast, but we are going to a big family party tomorrow. Maybe on Sunday. Also before all this happened, I was tagged by Jessica Swift for 20 Things You Might Not Know About Me. I actually had most of that post prepped before Jeff's accident so stay tuned for that to be published next week. I had a lot of fun writing that post.
It feels very good to be back in this space. It is a sign of routines resuming. I'm so looking forward to fall this year.
Friends, the move has happened! We have been in our new house for 11 days. It was a lot of work as you can imagine. Packing, the actual moving, wrapping things up with our landlord and now, unpacking and making this house into a home. On our first day, a new neighbor came over with a bouquet of flowers picked from their garden! What a warm welcome!
Let me tell you right now: the afternoon light in my dining room is divine!
We have had a lot of work done to our new house in the past 10 days: we had the basement waterproofed, radon remediation, electrical repairs and the downstairs hardwood floors are almost done being refinished. I took official before photos of every room in the house last week.
Although we loved the look of the bare, sanded white oak floors, there was no way to finish it to that color so instead we went dark with an antique brown. We got a sneak peek through the front door yesterday which I shared on Instagram. Our flooring contractors have been fantastic to work with and very patient with me while I asked over and over, are you sure the clear will change the color of the wood? Answer: "Even licking it will change the color of the wood." ;)
Hopefully Saturday, I can take a few moments away to get after photos of the downstairs to show the floors. The attic, which is where my office will be, has more work to go. I made a royal mess painting up there because I didn't cover the floors. I ripped out the carpet and discovered hardwood floors painted an icky brown. So I knew I'd want to paint them so I didn't cover them while painting the walls. That was a huge mistake because I ran out of time to paint the floors before we move in. Yikes! I've never been such a messy painter, I really lost my mind there on that one. After I take some after photos, I'm going to work on cleaning up my mess as best as I can so I can move in.
Our movers arrive in 47 hours! Gotta go finish packing! Do you need to catch up on house posts? You can find them here: part one, part two and part three.
The home we purchased was built in 1925 and there are many original, and charming, details still going strong inside.
Today I took proper before photographs of the entire interior. I know we plan to paint and have the floors refinished and that alone makes for a fun before and after. I still need to photograph the basement, there is a lot of work happening down there starting next week. We move in in 9 days!
Follow along on our house adventure each day on Instagram: @sweeteventide.
Art for the big-hearted, radiant woman who is ready to immerse herself in beauty.
