Things I'm Afraid to Tell You


Graphic designed by Ez of Creature Comforts

Have y'all seen this movement going around the blogosphere today?! I am exhilarated by it. I am energized by it. I am in awe of it and I am proud of it. I am inspired by it! Please click on the graphic to read the back story and see the full list of bloggers participating in this truth-telling spree. So far, I have made it to only a handful of blogs to comment and cheer, Nichole, Erin and Rena but I plan to make my way around the entire list. I am committed because it is so important to support this kind of heartfelt bravery and honesty in our saturated, perfection-inducing online world.

I'm going to get straight to it, but if you've read my blog for any length of time, I hope you have seen glimpses of this kind of honesty from me already. I have fought against making a perfectly pretty blog, because it's not true. Life is not perfectly pretty.

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You:

When I look in the mirror, I say hateful things to myself. And then I feel deep shame because I am a cancer survivor and I should be grateful to be alive and who cares how I look? Except, I do care. It's sad but true. I actually took "aging gracefully" off the list of things I like on my Pinterest profile page recently because I realized it was pretty much a lie. I mean, I love the idea, but I'm not living it right now.

Although I'm a Virgo, I am hopelessly unorganized at home. My files are a mess, especially the digital ones. I have over 25,000 photos now on my external hard drive. I cannot access them quickly, they are not rated or tagged with keywords or anything. I have so much work I could share and promote and this is a huge hindrance to my progress as a photographer. Don't even get me started on emails. I save almost all of them, I have five email accounts, it is ridiculous. It is an enormous, inefficient part of my life. Sigh.

I pick at my lips when I'm stressed or worried or tired. Now the Noodle is mimicking this behavior of mine which makes me want to vomit. More shame. 

I think the last thing I want to share is how lonely I have been since I moved to Portland. I really miss my friends and family and school community at home in California. While I have some community here (thank goodness!), I have felt very disconnected overall. As a result, I have developed a ridiculous attachment to my stupid iPhone. I check Facebook on it all the time! I don't even like Facebook! It is a real symptom of my need for a community. Not finding a school community yet has been a big setback in feeling settled here. I know this won't last forever, but I did notice it and it feels good to say it out loud. I feel like I read stories of people packing up and relocating and it's a breeze! Happy kids, easy transitions, no problems at the new school or making new friends and that has not been our experience. 

Oh boy, this movement is really scary! I'm going to hit publish before I over-think it because I love it, I love it so much. I feel like sometimes my tag line is a sham, "photographing the magic of the ordinary" because I don't find myself really showing the un-magical sides in my photos. I use a fixed lens with a shallow depth of field on purpose! So you can see the parts that I want you to see and blur out the rest. But sometimes, wouldn't it be nice to see everyone's dirty dishes, and not just their pretty coffee cups? 

I think we can take this movement to the next level with photographs too.

Are you in?

P.S. I deleted one thing and I'll admit it right now. It was just too much, I felt too vulnerable. I am human.