Depressed

I feel so wrong and misunderstood and cranky and sad and depressed.

I am trying to take steps to change my life a little so I'm not so overwhelmed but everything takes time. I am trying to sub, started that process awhile ago. I am trying to start a business, started that process awhile ago.

When these plans get rolling, I will have more of an identity again and will be contributing financially, all of which should hopefully have a gushing-down effect around my house and lift everyone's spirits.

You know the phrase, a happy mom means a happy family or however it goes? Well it really is true. When I'm sick (17 days now), tired (4 hours of sleep last night), overwhelmed (no preschool today) -- then little annoyances like running out of diapers and not finding out until naptime become huge emotional volcanic marital eruptions.

I am left, more spent then ever, feeling shakey and now adding to my list of responsibilities, the challenge of fighting my flight response, my dramatic personality, my black & white raw emotional view of life.

I think I have one of the strongest marriages around and I think Jeff and I are so well-suited that it's almost beyond comprehension. So when we have a clash, it affects me so completely that it's hard to remember that under the crushed granite of my fragile state of mind is a mile-deep foundation of interlocking paving stones that is our love.

So sweety...if you are reading this, I am sorry you feel like my punching bag lately. I never, ever want to treat you that way. I feel like a louse. And a mouse. Who wants to hide behind our dishwasher and never come out. Not even for very nice parmesan cheese and red, red, wine.

Okay I'm taking my broken heart and swollen eyes to the store to find some way to back up the 9,000 photos that document our normally happy home life.