Two Weeks

Two weeks ago, Dr. Flinn arrived at our house to help us help Harpo die. It was one of the hardest days of my life. My life has not been the same without her either. I was totally unable to post about it but today I want to try a little.

Jeff, Jaden, Betty and I were here together. Before Dr. Flinn arrived, Jeff, Jaden and I took Harpo for one last hike. The whole walk back to the car, she hesitated and walked so slowly. She did not want to go back to the car. I believe she knew what was happening. She kept looking to the side of the trail and I wanted to break free with her and run away from the destiny we chose for her.

I have looked and looked at her pictures in the past two weeks. I see now how much she had aged in general without me realizing it. But still, the decline in the five weeks of cancer is unmistakable in the photos. I have gotten a meager amount of peace from seeing that because at first I really struggled with the decision.

I haven't put away any of her things yet, in fact I haven't even swept the floors once in two weeks. I think the time is coming though. I've been looking for a beautiful box or basket to store her bowls in, but I am going to leave her leash & collar hanging up by the door for a long, long time. Her bed in my room is my sole comfort now, I can still smell her although it's fading.

Bedtime is hardest on me & Jeff. That nightly routine of letting her out and in and tucking her into bed was precious and ingrained. I cry every night at bedtime still.

I've started looking online for dogs but so far the right one is not there. I knew right away with Harpo the instant that I met her that she was my dog. So I will wait until I get that feeling again. I know all the pain I have felt were far outweighed by all the years I loved her and she loved me back. So another dog is in my future. The house is so empty and boring without her.

This picture has been on my desktop for awhile now. On my big screen, if I really concentrate, it almost feels like she is here with me and I can look deeply into her eyes again.

Harpo, you beautiful, sweet girl, I miss you with all my heart and soul.