A Little Letter

Dear Little Spider in My Shower:

I am not sure if you are a Miss or a Mister but I have a small issue with you now. 

For the past week or so, I have observed you and you have stayed still and we have had a successful relationship in this manner. I felt so secure in the way we related to each other that I did not even mention you to my husband. If you'll post a quiz on my Facebook network, you'll see that is abnormal behavior for me.* 

To further demonstrate the depth of my security with you, when my husband mentioned you to Jaden in my presence, I did not make a single comment. I merely enjoyed a quiet internal conversation that went something like this: "You and me, we're good. You stay still and I stay quiet."

Well you betrayed my confidence this morning Mister Miss Whatever Gender You Are and by the way what color are you: white or brown? Normally I could care less about this kind of thing, but since I'm writing, I'm bringing it up. I thought all this time you were white (freaky enough but I accepted our differences) but it appears you are two-toned: white in the sunshine and brown in the shadows. 

Back to your wicked betrayal. I turned on the water, did not check for you in your permanent location and stepped in with confidence, thrilled to use my new razor and new Alba facial scrub.

Then! Then you immediately started dancing around erratically on what? Your web? Seriously? You're building a WEB in my shower upon which you plan to behave in no comprehensible fashion WHILE I am showering? How could you do this to me? To us? 

For a brief moment I thought we had a chance. I finally spoke to you right out loud. I said, Go up to the ceiling right this minute! And you did! You scrambled up immediately. I was so impressed with your good listening. 

But it didn't last. A split second later and you were wigging out again: up, down, side to side and I had no choice but to retreat to the farthest wall, then the farthest corner and shave rapidly risking cuts. Is that what you wanted? You wanted to break my trust and make me bleed?

Now we're doomed. A report will be filed. A report is being filed right here in the interwebs (you didn't know I spoke your secret web language did you?) and my husband WILL see it because he DOES have a feed reader still. I know this is true even though he NEVER stops by my blog anymore or even my Flickr (even though I painstakingly make every photo an active image with a direct link to its Flickr page).

But I digress. 

My life is unstable enough most of the time. I need a little stability in the morning. A hot shower and a cup of coffee and I have a chance of facing the day.

Your soon-to-be EX-roommate 

* Sadly you can't post such a quiz because now I won't add you as my friend.