Feeling Lost

Today I had a crazy morning, a forgotten appointment that I remembered just in time, a return at Fry's (I hate that store), and other errands, then pick up Jaden, dash home to get Harpo to the vet to check on her staples.

I park the car at the vet's and gingerly get Harpo down from the car. Upon which I notice blood everywhere, and it's coming from near her tail. I've got an open parking lot with no sidewalk and I can't see Jaden so I'm yelling for him and Harpo is trembling. It was such pandemonium.

I get us all in the front door and I just totally started crying. I just couldn't handle it. So they got us in a room and Jaden sat down so quietly in the chair. We were petting Harpo, whose teeth were chattering because she was trembling so badly. Then we see more blood pooling on the floor.

Our wonderful vet came right in and I told her I had no idea what happened. I had left Harpo at home all morning and now here she is bleeding all over the place. She looked back by her tail and told me it was another mass that had burst. Then I really started crying. I've found four new lumps since her surgery and now one that I didn't even know about has burst.

After talking it all over with her, she encouraged me to needle biopsy two of the four lumps, one in the front of her body and one near the back. Since we are not keen on putting Harpo through treatment, the point is for us to know if these lumps are all related or not. If they are, we know it's systemic and our time is short.

We had to drop her off again so Dr. Flinn can clean her up and maybe stitch her new wound. It was all I could do to let her go and leave her there.

Got back to the car and Jaden had Harpo's blood on his hand. So I put his sock on over it (why don't I have wipes in the car at all times and when will I get it that I need them?) until we got home.

It is always so weird to be in the house without Harpo. I snuggled with Jaden till he fell asleep and then went to my own bed and cried for a good, long while.

It just makes me sick, the whole thing. I know I did my best to care for Harpo too when my whole life was falling apart. We moved to have the baby and there were those totally insane and chaotic first six weeks where I was sicker than I've ever been. I started chemotherapy for the second time and we got married and tried to figure out parenthood all at the same time.

I mean where was Harpo during all that? Where else could she be but home in the middle of the turmoil, observing it mostly forgotten if I'm brutally honest. But she was there for me anyway, somehow knowing it was all I could do some days to open the side door for her instead of her thrice daily walks she was accustomed to in our previous life. I know when chemo made me the most sick, Harpo would just be there by my side, quietly loving me.

Then instead of things settling down for long, I got meningitis and then a relapse and we bought a house, Jeff got a new job and I had more hospital visits, more treatment, etc. I can't even believe all that has happened to us in the past three and a half years, typing it out like this reminds me of a bad novelist trying to win bad drama awards.

Sometimes there simply wasn't enough time or enough me to go around. That makes me deeply sad because it was never a reflection of how much I loved her and do continue to love her. Now that there is more time and more me to give, the scales are tipped in the other, wrong, direction. And that makes me feel lost and cloudy in my heart and mind.