Conversations with Jaden, Part II of LMXVII

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Setting: We're in the bathroom last night at bedtime. I'm running the bath and Jaden is going potty first. He looks me up and down carefully.

Jaden: Mama, is that a new skirt?

Me: Yes.

Jaden: Where did you get it?

Me: Old Navy

Jaden: How many dollars did it cost?

Me: Six.


-- He hops off the toilet. --


Jaden: That's not too bad.

Me (silently): Is this my son or my husband? Oh wait, my husband doesn't even ask me these kinds of questions!

Conversations with Jaden

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Setting: lunch time at Nana's.

Jaden: So, school was fine today Mama. Alex pushed Owen and I ran over his hands with my tires. But it was Alex's fault! I didn't know that was going to happen. It's not my fault.

Me: Well, when someone gets hurt, what is more important? Whose fault it is or making sure the person is okay?

Jaden: Making sure they're okay.

Me: So did you stop and ask Owen if he was okay?

Jaden: No.

Me: If someone hurt you accidentally, how would you feel if they didn't even stop to see if you were okay?

Jaden: Sad.

Jaden: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Me: Why?

There is a long pause, and he looks deep into my eyes and then with great sadness says: "It makes me think of war."

Me: Hmmm.

Me: I'll be right back Jaden.

And I ran to my blog.

Anxious Anxiourson

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Today all of a sudden, I am totally freaking out about the housing situation. Although my husband might disagree, I've kind of calmed down about it the past 10-14 days. (I swear!!!)

The rental market is glum in our price range. We are trying so hard to be dedicated to our price. We agreed to suck it up for a year and then re-evaluate. Yet I am conflicted. I think about having to move again in one year (if we found a place today!) because the places we are looking at do not feed into quality elementary schools.

I am just beginning to feel squirrely about everything. It actually started last week. Minor hints in my body, a little jittery, some itchy leg muscles, you know? So I'm airing it out here. I will try to take a deep breath. I will spend some time not on Craigslist but on Great Schools.

I think it's time to work more backwards and acknowledge this feeling of impending doom that we might finally find a place in September and will have to go through all this again 11 months later. Maybe since we're here in discomfortland, I will stay here until we find a house that feeds into a school I approve of...buying myself time later right now. I don't know. I'm sick of CL. Same old crummy listings day after day. So for today, I'm going to change my m.o.

No. 13

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I want to play with this so badly!



They come in a million colors, or so it seems and I am positive my printer would not know what to do with it. I guess I need to think outside that box then.

What can I do with this wonderful paper shape?

They just make me so happy!

The store says it reminds them of little clouds. They also say to do something creative every day.

Does writing my work newsletter count? I think I need to do something else too.

Like No. 13: play with paper!

43 Things

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Clare said she was inspired by me but I was inspired by the site 43 Things.

Anyway, even though I was unable to free-form my list like she did, here are my 43 things.

I want to:

1. work more
2. have more fun
3. ride my cruiser regularly
4. find a cute, little house
5. play more with jaden
6. cook more
7. be more romantic again with my husband
8. go for walks holding hands with my husband
9. get in bed at 10 and read almost every night
10. drink more good wine
11. learn more about wine
12. learn to paint
13. play with paper
14. build rosina red designs website
15. register RRD with the city
16. breathe better
17. do yoga
18. have more balance
19. drink more water
20. create beautiful spaces
21. go camping
22. eat locally
23. stop yelling at my dog
24. let my tears out
25. blog more
26. learn photoshop and illustrator
27. get a new camera and printer
28. take a photography class
29. start photo-walking
30. keep in touch better
31. stop double-booking myself
32. be more thoughtful
33. i mean, i want to do a better job of outwardly expressing my internal thoughtfulness
34. feel passionate about my life
35. go to the movies
36. find more compassion for my dog
37. lower my standards and let go of perfectionism
38. be kind to myself
39. tolerate uncomfortable feelings
40. have an art studio to work in
41. use lulu.com for something
42. be in italy
43. speak italian fluently

and to break the mold:

44. learn to write a list in free form instead of all structured like I naturally do it. :)

A Little Dream Come True

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All my adult life I would watch, in curious wonder at every coffee shop I frequented, people with notebooks or laptops and think, "Ah so that's the writer's life."

Today I am finally at a coffee shop with my laptop and I have actual paid writing to do. So I guess that's a little dream come true for me.

Caveat: coffee shops are noisy and cold and have hard chairs.

Moody Blue

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Okay I think 99.9% of people would agree that the Monday after a vacation sucks big fat ass. You feel jolted by the time, the to-dos and the boring familiarity of everything. Let me just say it -- laundry is not nearly as entertaining at home as it is in a resort where a pina colada is a few steps away.

Oh Maui, how I miss your blue skies, warm winds and aloha spirit. I left a 737-size container of tears in your waters on Saturday. I cannot even speak yet of my heartbreak over the other Js. My only consolation is my dear Craigslisting husband found a rental on Cordilleras last night. That is promising!

Here is my little surfer boy telling me to hang loose brudda:


I wish I could dude, I wish I could.

A Nap for Mama

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Today Jeff entrusted Jaden to me from 1:15 until 4:45 by myself at the pool so he could finally catch a mountain stage of the TdF.

By the time he came back down to relieve me, I was tired as can be. So I said I'm going over to this patch of grass to lay down. It was all of five feet away. I made it to there and saw the ocean glistening. I said no actually I'm going down to the sand. Ok, Jeff says.

I start walking towards the sand and pass an empty hammock.

Duh.

I will be right here in this hammock actually.

And guess what?

I fell right to sleep, swaying in the breeze at 5 p.m. Maui time.

Ah.

Here, in Maui? I do not know what insomnia means.

Three Strikes...

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...I'm out.

If I wasn't so afraid of flying, I'd probably hit the airport first thing tomorrow morning and retun to the safety of our little studio until Aug. 4th when we will have to vacate that little bubble of happiness.

The three strikes refers to the number of kid traumas I've gone through in less than 30 hours.

Strike #1: watch helplessly as Jaden slams his head into a waterslide and then disappears from view. (He was okay but rather hysterical, understandably, by the time I went down the stupid waterslide and swam to him and Jeff).

Strike #2: wake up at 2:30 a.m. to the sound of Jaden screaming at the top of his lungs because he fell out of the bed and whacked his head (again), neck, ear and shoulder on either the nightstand or Jeff's computer adaptor. I fell asleep thinking of those stupid British parents who went on vacation and left their kids unattended and then their daughter got kidnapped. So when I woke to Jaden's screams and didn't feel him in the bed, I was totally convinced someone was trying to kidnap him. Then I realized he was hurt on the floor and started frantically trying to find him and pick him up. Meanwhile, Jeff, the good parent, knew right away that he had fallen out of bed and not to move him in case he was seriously injured.

(He is not, but he has a good-sized contusion on his shoulder and sported a red, swollen ear for the majority of the day and complained of neck pain off and on. I had to give him Tylenol for pain in the middle of the night which I realized was necessary when he refused a bite of cookie as our meek attempt to cheer him up before we got him back to sleep).

Strike #3: I spend a perfectly enjoyable day with Jeff's cousins and end it with a fancy dinner out with all the kids. After Jeff's long -ass turn successfuly watching Jaden and Calvin while our incredibly slow server did who-knows-what for 1.5 hours (i.e. NOT bringing our dinners), I take over "watching" and let Jaden and Calvin sit alone near the table to watch the koi fish and then proceed to watch (in slow motion) Calvin roll right into the fucking pond. Instead of diving in, I screamed. Nice. Not. Very not helpful. Luckily his dad is very helpful and very fast and dove right in and got him out.

Calvin is 100 percent okay. He didn't even cry. I couldn't believe it. He just wanted to be held by his mommy and the restaurant staff brought towels for him and his daddy and then soon after that he said, "I want to go to bed."

[Why does the restaurant have towels right there anyway?!]

I will feel horrible guilt for the rest of my life and now have not one, but two, horrifying images to flash back endlessly in my brain. Jaden whacking the waterslide and Calvin tumbling into a koi pond.

Shoot me now, and don't tell me it was an accident and accidents happen because even Jeff told me on the walk back to the hotel that I did fuck up and I was irresponsible (not exact quotes but definitely the exact gist).

So nothing is going to make me feel better about this. I'm just a slow, senseless, retarded-no-reflexes idiot who should not be allowed to be a caregiver of anyone, anymore, ever.

Note to Self

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Never ever set an auto-responder on your main email address when you have been under severe stress, no sleep and your dear husband has been working 18-hour days for a week.

Especially when you have over 400+ emails in your in-box because you are so behind on your filing. (Yes I have filters, this is above & beyond).

FUDRUCKERS.

My deepest apologies to everyone and anyone getting my retarded auto response erroneously.

ARRGH.

The Real Goodbye

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Last night (since it's now technically Saturday), at about 6 p.m., Jaden and I said our real goodbye to the house.

I had to drop off the appliance manuals and bring in the garbage cans. It was very hard on Jaden. He was upset because he wanted to hang out with Ron and he realized the impact of moving. So he ran inside to his room and I heard the door slam shut.

I found him sobbing in his closet, where his dresser used to be. It was the only part of the room that offered a hiding place. I went in and he totally broke down. I held him tight.

After a bit, I asked him what he was going to miss the most from our house. He ran up to the wall and said, "Uncle Roger's tree."


And then I witnessed his beautiful little heart break into pieces.


I thought it might seem cruel to photograph him in such pain but in a way, it had its own beauty and I wanted to remember it forever for some reason. And in so doing, it struck me that our little digital camera might offer my son a different kind of way to say goodbye to his home. He loves to take pictures and it's a big treat when he asks and I say yes.

I offered it to him and he gobbled it up. He took photos of his room and the bathroom at every conceivable angle. Finally I had to nudge him to move down the hallway. He gave me back the camera, paused at the water heater and said through more tears, "I am hugging my whole house now."


And slowly but surely we made it to the front of the house. There we sat against the wall, holding on to each other and crying our eyes out. Only my maternal instincts kept me from totally breaking down -- I wanted to be strong for him. Then he asked me to take one last picture of us together in our house. So I did my best.

Last Post from Felix

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It is 11:06 p.m.

I am packing up my desk in my beautiful office.

My stomach is howling at me with acid tears.

After getting this room in shape for the open house, it was a dreamy place for me to spend time. I have no idea when, where or if I will ever have a space like this for myself again. Rosina Red Designs came to life in this room. I don't know where that little gig is headed but if it does go somewhere, this is where it all began.

How is it that I cursed this house for 2.5 years and I'm falling apart when it's time to go?

I am so detached from the reality of our situation that it's become almost frightening.

I walk around in a stupor and think, really? seriously? selling means we actually have to move?

Because it seems more like I wanted the monetary relief but none of the actual moving, say goodbye to your nice neighbor Ron, your little crape myrtle that actually survived a year under my thumb and lived to tell the tale with beautiful white blossoms, your bathroom that you re-did your way -- all of that is over? My $900 Container Store closet system? No more?

My Bosch washer and dryer? My LG french door fridge? Don't even go there. I have an intimate relationship with those items. I can't even stand it. This is not happening.

I have moved many, many times in my 36 years on this earth. I have never moved like this, with no clue where I'm going to end up. I try to convince myself this is a big adventure. But it's really not. It is a sad fact that I can't get where I want to be: living a little family life in a little family house with our annoying big dog.

I'll end this cryfest with two pictures of my Boozhee taken this week in his room. His beautiful blue, superfly room with the tree mural. I can see the pout emerging but maybe that's because I know him so well.


In any case, his face perfectly captures how I feel these days, even if he was only making it because I wanted to take his picture and he was in the middle of his rocket story.

It is 11:24 p.m.
Hey Felix: over and out.

Cue music....

An Orange Tease

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After so generously receiving a 17" Powerbook last week, I promptly set about finding a lovely bag to carry it around in. Immediately I rejected in full any standard-issue black nylon laptop bag. I started googling "cute stylish laptop bags" and found multiple blogs about just such a topic. Obviously I am not the only girl out there who expects style from her electronic goods.

Quickly I fell in love with a bag but it's price ($169) made me go hmmm; even though I didn't have to pay anything for the computer, so I am willing to spend more than I normally would on such an item. I lolli-gagged around for the past few days and today at SonyStyle store accidentally found the in-love bag in the wrong size -- but still I got to check out and touch it (it's wool so I was worried). It's so darn cool!

I come home and call the company to ask customer service about the wool getting wet during winter (my other worry) -- nope, not a problem, they Scotchguard it.

But there's another problem.

There are no more.



Ever.



I believe the exact words were "we did a short season on this one."

Here is the bag that will never be for me.



Hello Crushed.
Crushed oranges to be specific.

The Dentist

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I am off to the dentist.

OMG.

It's been awhile. I had a checkup before I got Bexxar and had a couple of small cavities. But he wanted to wait until my white counts stabilized before doing the work. They only stabilized in January and I waited until now to go in.

I am one of those that hates the dentist. Unlike Jaden, who literally danced with glee the day I told him he had a dental appointment.

Kids! And their darned enthusiasm for life!