Testing, Testing, 1-2-3

OMG I just registered to take CBEST.

Now everyone has told me forever that it's the easiest but still, I am one of "those" annoying people who are convinced they failed a test and are truly shocked when they see the A later. So imagine, although I did manage to graduate from college after a mere TEN years, I will be studying the next few weekends.

It just seems meant to be today, the way my TNT participation happened last year when I spontaneously went to the info. meeting and scored the only free registration by pure luck.

I've been wanting to take CBEST for a couple of years now but today decided to just go ahead and sign up, and lo & behold if today wasn't the deadline for the next test date -- which happens to be on my friend Amy's birthday. So there you have it, multiple green lights!

Now what to do about my constant soul-searching quandary of what to do with my life: be a 3rd grade teacher, start an errands-service or keep learning about windows. Hmm. Or write. Or design. Or become a photographer. Or any number of a million things I'm interested in doing.

I'm a Hikin' Dog

Yeah I'm more sick than Harpo these days but luckily the insurance stuff is all worked out again and I'll be whipped into shape hopefully soon.

Meanwhile, we took Harpo on a hike over the long weekend (yes a short one). I had trouble keeping up with her actually.



If it wasn't for her bleeding tumors, you'd never know this dog was sick. We got her two-day death sentence two weeks ago. We are ever grateful for every day we continue to have her with us, even if I've spent more on meat groceries in the past two weeks than in the entire past year!

A Yes Kind of Day

I read this article last week in my favorite parenting magazine Wondertime about a mom who decided to say yes for a whole week and see what would happen.

I wouldn't go so far as to say yes to skipping school like this mom did, but she said yes to endless tv and her kid survived so I'm trying it today. More tv is something I am constantly saying no to because I'm so afraid the kid is going to turn into a senseless blob of a being, a typical tv kid, ick.

Anyway, school is closed today and I had no idea how Jaden and I were going to get through 11 hours together without constant strife until it hit me -- have a crazy Yes Day.

Status report: Jaden has far exceeded the article mom's max of 3:45 of tv (that's how long till her kid felt full). Jaden has now been watching tv for almost 4.5 hours straight. I don't think he can quite believe it himself, I am even letting him watch Caillou again after an 8-month hiatus. I figured I'd really go with the spirit of my Yes Day and allow whiney Caillou back into our house for one special, magical day.

Around noon'ish, I did try to get us out to the library so y'all don't think I've totally slacked on my goals, aspirations and dreams as a good mom. I even said YES we can eat lunch at the library cafe for once! Woohoo! We can stay as long as you want and YES you can skip nap too! YES we can return the Toy Story 2 book (that I promised the librarian last week that I returned months ago and most certainly and obviously did not since I found it this morning on Jeff's nightstand) and then check it out again right away!

Alas, Jaden found it more important to argue with me over a piece of Scotch tape and I lost my will to push on. I had grown critically hungry by then and didn't have the heart to say YES, take it on and off my foot according to your strange and complicated laws of the universe. However, I've now eaten half an avocado and some salami so maybe I'll try again after this special 13th showing of Caillou. After all, we still have 6.5 hours to go in our day!

Labor Day

Yes, I am married to the only person in this country who doesn't know it's Labor Day weekend. Not only that, upon hearing about it this morning, he didn't seem at all interested in finding out if his office is closed. (I am sure it is, we go through this every holiday weekend). Which leads me to believe he thinks Labor Day means he is supposed to actually labor.

What really gets me day in and day out is not the number of hours he puts in at the office, but the number of hours he is gone from home due to the commute. I hate the commute. I can't believe we just signed up for another long commute.

I really had a choice between the old rock and the old cement. The guy was miserable and had a chance to be happy. So duh. But the price is steep. One person is happier and the other continues in the miserable wake of the commute for an unforeseen amount of time. But at least we are not two miserable people now, that was much, much worse. I do realize that.

Can't I dream of a time and place where we are both happy though?

Demands

I am fed up today. One of those days where the amount of self-sacrifice parenthood requires makes me want to scream and scream until hours have gone by and I'm transported to a place where I can succumb to my own needs, exhaustion, wants and desires.

If I hear "mama, can I...." one more time today, the screaming is going to start. I am trying to keep it in but it's making my stomach feel like oil being poured into one of Jeff's frying pans that he turned on high three hours ahead of the time he plans to cook.

Obviously it's not at the age of three, but at what age DO kids stop being so self-centered? I mean dude. I just dragged my ass out to the park with Harpo for an hour and a half and of course, despite the "transition warnings" (useless), I still had a huge resisting whinefest coupled with a quick runaway game and then a burst into tears that he didn't get to say goodbye to his buddy Jack.

Um well LISTEN to me when I tell you it's time to go and say goodbye then! And when you finally do get in the car, how about a "Gee thanks Mama for taking me to the park to play" instead of an immediate "Mama, can I _____________" whatever your new demand of the minute is....

I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm stressed. I'm on a death watch for my dog. My fridge is cleaned out but all the crap is on the counter awaiting rinsing and recycling. (It would be nice not to care and toss it all in the trash and be done with it). I have blood stains in my quilt two days in a row that take two wash cycles to get out. I have my bedding to wash that got peed on today when the pullup leaked AGAIN.

I'm holding a useless, outrageously expensive piece of paper called a Bachelor of Arts degree in English which causes me nothing but stress, forms and useless payments every month. Where am I? Where is Jess? All I have is my little knitting project. I guess I'm one big st--I mean b--itch.

The Girls

I'm only spending but spare moments away from my girl, we are hanging in there together. She has her ups & downs but the ups are pretty high and the downs are not too low so far.

She is still eating, the challenge is finding the right food at each meal. If only I hadn't injured my dog yesterday, I'd say she was doing practically awesome (minus the growing lumps on her body). I feel like such a loser mom that she got hurt too. (She fell out of the car on my watch, seconds after I reassured Jeff that, yes, I had her covered).

I plan to take her in to my own chiropractor tomorrow if need be, certainly I can do something about her sore leg since it seems the cancer situation is hopeless.

My point is right now I don't have a lot to say, I'm seriously working overtime at living in the moment and enjoying Harpo. After all, she is still here now -- warm, soft, breathing, loving, looking (no, gazing), listening, sleepy, perky, moody, hungry, thirsty, poopy, okay you get it.

I've been busy trying to restore the ratio of Harpo vs. Jaden pictures in my iPhoto library. It will take some effort but I'm always up for a challenge.

Here are a few of the girls, some taken by the girls and some by the boys.


(c) the little boy


(c) the human girl


(c) the big boy

Beautiful Girl

Our beautiful girl is happy to be home. Despite the horrible news we got yesterday, that most of my blog readers already know (since I have such a wide audience), she is just the same as always.

Except her true princess privileges have been restored to include ground beef with her kibble, hand delivery of her water bowl and full access to all furniture including the bed...in other words, much closer to her life before I had other things use up my time and energy to such a large extent (like my own health issues and becoming a parent).

This must explain her big smile!

An Empty House

Harpo hasn't eaten since Sat. night. I've never seen her so sick as she was yesterday afternoon and evening. She is in the hospital today getting IV fluids and bloodwork. We are still missing a lot of information. I go back in two hours to meet with the oncologist again.

I can't even bother with all the scenarios, I just know the worst case is we lose her in a matter of days. I can't bear it, I just can't bear it! Coming home to the empty house today is brutal. I am not ready, or ever will be ready, but definitely not ready now to say goodbye. I realize how faithful she has been in our life, how she is such an enormous part of our family.

It is so hard to leave her at the vet's each time. Why can't I stay and comfort her? I just want to be right by her side the way she is always right by mine.

This is going to be a long two hours.

Blossom

A couple of weekends ago Liss & Ella came down to visit. Liss showed me a blanket she is knitting for El and I just loved it. I had decided already that a blanket was going to be my next project. Liss is doing a striped blanket, all knit stitch, 100 stitches per row. Just what I need, to sit and knit! No remembering to purl, no counting rows or stitches (really).

I bought a bunch of yarn soon after and began knitting. After three rows, I hated the yarn. It was way too thick and I just didn't like the feel or look of it. So yesterday I went and found the yarn Lu is using at Yarndogs..

It's called Blossom and it's the first yarn I am truly in love with and obsessing over (in other words, after five hours of sleep, I woke up thinking about my yarn as opposed to more sleep or coffee). It's mighty pricey at almost $14/skein but I will just buy in small batches and do a stripe at a time.

I am doing these colors, starting with Banana, then Citrus and then Red.





This stuff is so dreamy. I can't wait for real fall weather and blustery days and the non-existent long blocks of free time to curl up on the couch and watch Oprah under my blanket. :)

My Heart in a Tub

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeve, well I wear mine in the tub.

Feeling Lost

Today I had a crazy morning, a forgotten appointment that I remembered just in time, a return at Fry's (I hate that store), and other errands, then pick up Jaden, dash home to get Harpo to the vet to check on her staples.

I park the car at the vet's and gingerly get Harpo down from the car. Upon which I notice blood everywhere, and it's coming from near her tail. I've got an open parking lot with no sidewalk and I can't see Jaden so I'm yelling for him and Harpo is trembling. It was such pandemonium.

I get us all in the front door and I just totally started crying. I just couldn't handle it. So they got us in a room and Jaden sat down so quietly in the chair. We were petting Harpo, whose teeth were chattering because she was trembling so badly. Then we see more blood pooling on the floor.

Our wonderful vet came right in and I told her I had no idea what happened. I had left Harpo at home all morning and now here she is bleeding all over the place. She looked back by her tail and told me it was another mass that had burst. Then I really started crying. I've found four new lumps since her surgery and now one that I didn't even know about has burst.

After talking it all over with her, she encouraged me to needle biopsy two of the four lumps, one in the front of her body and one near the back. Since we are not keen on putting Harpo through treatment, the point is for us to know if these lumps are all related or not. If they are, we know it's systemic and our time is short.

We had to drop her off again so Dr. Flinn can clean her up and maybe stitch her new wound. It was all I could do to let her go and leave her there.

Got back to the car and Jaden had Harpo's blood on his hand. So I put his sock on over it (why don't I have wipes in the car at all times and when will I get it that I need them?) until we got home.

It is always so weird to be in the house without Harpo. I snuggled with Jaden till he fell asleep and then went to my own bed and cried for a good, long while.

It just makes me sick, the whole thing. I know I did my best to care for Harpo too when my whole life was falling apart. We moved to have the baby and there were those totally insane and chaotic first six weeks where I was sicker than I've ever been. I started chemotherapy for the second time and we got married and tried to figure out parenthood all at the same time.

I mean where was Harpo during all that? Where else could she be but home in the middle of the turmoil, observing it mostly forgotten if I'm brutally honest. But she was there for me anyway, somehow knowing it was all I could do some days to open the side door for her instead of her thrice daily walks she was accustomed to in our previous life. I know when chemo made me the most sick, Harpo would just be there by my side, quietly loving me.

Then instead of things settling down for long, I got meningitis and then a relapse and we bought a house, Jeff got a new job and I had more hospital visits, more treatment, etc. I can't even believe all that has happened to us in the past three and a half years, typing it out like this reminds me of a bad novelist trying to win bad drama awards.

Sometimes there simply wasn't enough time or enough me to go around. That makes me deeply sad because it was never a reflection of how much I loved her and do continue to love her. Now that there is more time and more me to give, the scales are tipped in the other, wrong, direction. And that makes me feel lost and cloudy in my heart and mind.

Differing No Cry Sleep Solutions

My husband slept in Jaden's bed two nights in a row in the latest endeavor to get me some sleep. (Oh Ambien, why aren't you approved for long-term use?)

This was no minor favor considering my husband's size (6'2") and the size of Jaden's bed (a twin, with a mattress in three pieces -- on *purpose* -- and a footboard). The poor guy does this for me and I wake up at 4 a.m. the first night and 5 a.m. the second from a migraine. Nice. Still it was fabulous to fall asleep with the covers just right, just the way I like them.

By the way, I like the covers to be even and I get teased mercilessly about this. I mean, Jeff gets in bed, flops his half of our down comforter to the middle of the bed, which in a queen with a guy who is 6'2" means MY side of the bed. So I have the weight of two down comforters and even for a Chilly Nilly like me, that is too much even in winter. Plus it just feels so, well, off-balance for Pete's sake!

Then as the night progresses, either the comforter continually falls down my side of the bed to the floor such that I am in a twilight sleep as I desperately cling on to what is left of my covers OR as my husband flops around causing oceanic shifts below, the blanket gets more and more twisted until it's a gigantic ball of wadded up feathers in the middle (see definition above) of the bed.

OR, (yes, another or) Jeff "arranges" (see above) the comforter in the middle. Then Jaden comes in and in what's left of MY middle, he likes to have his legs out on TOP of the blankets but still have the covers in position at the head of the bed. So I scoot down as far as humanly possible near the violent, energetic feet of my three-year-old and try to sleep in this ridiculous position.

THOSE, my friends, are the really, really bad nights ON Ambien so you can imagine what they are like without it!

And tell me, what is so wrong with wanting to sleep in a bed with one layer of evenly distributed blankets all night long?!!!

I admit, it's abnormal that an uneven weight distribution can actually wake me up and spur me to run around all sides of the bed correcting it before I am able to fall back asleep, but come on, I am a Virgo on top of all my other personality issues.

Oh I forgot the differing part. My latest idea (besides our handy dandy Element) is to squeeze a twin bed in next to the queen and I can have my very own bed and still be next to my boys, who I love very much, despite their horrible blanket manners.

I'm not even going to get started on the other "doozy" of a comment I made that my husband blogged about...just know I got a taste of the good life (an 8-5:30 work day) in Portland and I haven't adjusted back to life with a commute yet.

Pajaro Dunes, October 2003

Thank you Sister for capturing this moment in time.



Somehow I landed in very early sections of iPhoto today and tonight. I really can't explain the feelings photos like these conjure in my heart and soul.

Like, I thought it was hard back then? I can't remember what exactly is so hard about babies. So you're tired. What else is new?

They don't argue with you, or try to put crazy rules on you (don't count to three before you take off my band-aid mama, just don't), or make you explain every frickin' driving decision you, the adult driver in the car, decide to make.

Like, ohmygod-iseriouslycan'tbelieve-iamnevergoingtobepregnantagain-
nurseagain-haveapreciouslittletinybaby-thatsmellssogood-youwantdodie-again.

I'm going to bed.
Harumph!

Hot Box Betty

This one's for you kid!
(I know it's a little hard to read the sign here).



Straight from Irvington in Portland...

I Did It!

I did my first Sudoku today!

I am as proud as when I got an A in Calculus in college.

I have been checking this phenomenon out for awhile but couldn't even grasp the rules. Last week I saw a book where the rules finally made sense to me.

Today I remembered to find a puzzle online and try (instead of buying a book, see I'm making progress left & right).

It took me a long time but I have a benchmark to test myself against now. It even congratulated me...see:

Congratulations! You solved the Sudoku in 56 minutes, 34 seconds!

Easy puzzles solved: 1
Your average time: 56:34
Your fastest time: 56:34

And I thought only Jeff could do this kind of stuff.

AND best of all, Harpo's buffy coat exam came back negative!
HOORAY for a little bit of good news.

Bring On The Tums

My dog has cancer.

There, I said it out loud.

Of course, they call it a mast cell tumor (MCT). But let's face it, it's cancer plain & simple.

Today we met with her oncologist. They are testing her blood for circulating mast cells. It's all part of her staging.

Geez, give me some more deja vu action. The big difference between me and Harpo is she got lucky with her first oncologist whereas I didn't find a good one until #4.

Lots of big decisions to make soon (more biopsies, radiation, etc.), but for now, no more car trips until her surgical incision heals. I've been taking her everywhere with me the past week and all that in & out of the car jumping is not a good idea. Even though I was doing my best to lift her 55 lb. self in and out of the car each time.

She is stapled now and we just got home. Warm compresses twice a day, antibiotics and yes, three weeks on Prednisone. See, deja vu! I feel an ulcer forming and growing hourly.

So Essited!

We just found out that Lulu & Ella are on their way down. Jaden and I screamed with joy. Betty really wants her to see the house she's buying before tomorrow, the last day she can break contract if she's going to do that. Suddenly our afternoon is fabulous! YAY!

Too bad I always want to share these exciting things with my husband. He's in work mode and I'm wrapped up in other things at home, so our moods are totally different. Especially the first week at the long-awaited new job. As much as he adores his sis, he's not gonna bail early. I wish I had never called him actually. I feel so crushed and it's all so stupid. Oh well.

Nature Boy

Here is our little man on a nature walk in Portland. We went with Jarrad and Aisha, it was so beautiful that it was surreal. I almost felt like I was indoors at a contrived outdoor exhibit. Hard to explain.



Oh, Harpo finally ate some food at about noon. I bought some wet juicy food to entice her. If she didn't eat by 4, we would have had to go back to the vet. I was getting really worried as I couldn't give her the pain meds without food. But the little packet of juicy beef (I don't want to know if it's not really beef) really got her attention. Luckily I stocked up. So she has her food, pain meds, Pepcid for nausea and glucosamine all working away in her belly. And I feel better.

I am realizing how worried I am about her biopsy results, so worried that I have hardly considered my own PET scan tomorrow. It's the fist time I've gone six months between scans in the history of my cancer.

Harpo Barpo

Harpo had her surgery this morning and the vet called by 11:30 to tell me she did fine. I was so worried about her, she is 13.5 years old after all. Now we wait 3-5 days to find out what the lump is...obviously we hope it's benign.

She got her teeth cleaned for the first time today too. What a trooper!

I have her bed all clean and ready for her. I want to give her lots of TLC. We get to pick her up at 5. We started giving her glucosamine a week ago (thanks Betty for covering that during Portland) and it's already helping.

Here's our chocolate beauty.



Well I notice it is very quiet in the living room which is the surest sign of all that I need to get off the computer.

A New Love

Just got home from turning a cyber love affair with Portland into a real live love affair. It is quirky and a totally slower pace than California, at least every place I've lived here. But I did fall in love.

Now I know at least three people are wondering and have already asked "Are you going to move?" and the answer is no, not now, not soon and who knows if I could ever rip my heart out and leave my family & friends, even for another great true love.

For now I'll share my pictures and dream of the other life I could have there, if only it weren't for the expensively great life I have here at home.

Here is a Stumptown cappucino, yes even the coffee is beautiful in Portland.